Sitting in the Cloud of Unknowing
A late June Update
June has been all about uncertainty. It has been preparing to move across the country despite having no job offer, no apartment and no real connections. June was meeting strangers to sell an air fryer for 20$, working a full time job while teaching yoga part-time, trying to finish my Pilates instructor certification, and finish training for my half ironman. It was leaving all of my yoga students that I have been building relationships with in Halifax for the last year and a half and packing up my whole life in three days. It was, once again, trying to do too many things all at once.
This hectic schedule culminated in a complete meltdown when I backed my U-Haul into a green bin after not taking the insurance, a small dent worth 1200$ according to the trucks glaring script “YOU DAMAGE YOU PAY”. Always get the U-Haul insurance (A piece of advice you can only find here… or a quick and easy Google search of: “Should I get U-Haul insurance?”). My sister’s partner went into solution mode driving around the city to search for suction cups to reverse the dent, while I went into panic mode sliding down onto my seat and calling my boyfriend in tears. If it’s any explanation June has been so chaotic that my June update isn’t getting sent until more than half way through July.
Felix (my partner) is getting posted to Comox on Vancouver Island for his Search and Rescue course and we’ve decided, after four years of intermittent long distance, that to have a thriving relationship (maybe just a relationship), we must live in the same geographical area. And it is the push I’ve been needing to move away from my home! To get outside of my comfort zone! To pursue the unknown!
Uncertainty sucks, but Tom Lutz, an American writer, talks about the potential benefits of uncertainty in his reflections on travel and philosophy. He remembers reading the book The Cloud of Unknowing as a young man simply for the allure of the title (a book about mysticism and contemplative prayer that he calls “disappointingly Christian”). The cloud of unknowing. It makes not knowing sound compelling. It makes ignorance sound romantic. The overwhelming uncertainty in my life has been exhausting, and it’s comforting to consider that maybe, unknowing has its pleasures too
Lutz talks about how humans like not knowing what’s going to happen next. Why else would we spend our time reading mystery novels, watching thrillers, or studying science if not for the excitement of not knowing what will happen, of what we will uncover. Like many others, I crave knowing what is going to happen next. I crave it so much that when I’m travelling without a companion, I prefer to find a coffee shop, a restaurant, a running trail, and stick to it, simply for the comfort of its predictability.
Despite my clear preference for certainty, Lutz is right. There are uncertainties that I do find pleasant. Like going on a first date- the thrill of fully engaged conversation, meeting eyes and wondering what the other is thinking, the anticipation of where the night will go; or simply reading a novel, ambling though bookstores, fingering the spines of books full of information on any possible subject (bonus uncertainty points for books in a foreign language, imagining that I’m the type of person who reads novels in a second tongue). Surprise can be exciting.
Humans are inquisitive. We want to know what we don’t know. Lutz describes that being social animals, what we want to know most is about others! In the last month I read Sophia Gregoire Trudeau’s memoire Closer Together: Knowing Ourselves, Loving Each Other, Liz Clark’s 10 plus year journey of sailing around the world and surfing remote waves, Swell; and political activist Gloria Steinham’s, My Life on the Road (okay I abandoned this one halfway through). I love biographies. I want to learn about the uncertainty that every human carries with them on their path. I want to know about the hardships, the anticipation, the twists and turns and dead ends. Truthfully, what I want to know most is that I’m not alone.
I read somewhere that being in your 20s is like learning to love the questions themselves. Lisa Olivera says “the point of the unknown isn’t to figure it out as quickly as possible and rush to clarity; its to learn how to trust and tend to ourselves in the midst of the mystery.” She says she’s forever trying not to give in to the deep impatience in the waiting.
Forever trying not to give in to the deep impatience in the waiting. Tattoo that on my soul.
Creativity and Unknowing
Creativity involves a good amount of uncertainty. Rick Rubin, the legendary record producer and author of one of my favourite books, The Creative Act, talks about the necessity of awareness and surprise in creativity. Find things to get lost in. Do an activity where you don’t know what the outcome will be. In class I ask my students- “How much time do you give yourself to experience the unknown each day?” A reminder for myself too. Try a new coffee shop Sarah! Try a new trail Sarah! What if it all works out!
Rubin says the real practice of the artist is a way of being in the world. Not just what you do, not just what you create, but how you are. He says you have to live in a way that gives you the sensitivity and data that allows you to create in a curated way. Living in this way allows you to access the data to curate FROM.
“Broadening our practice of awareness is a choice we can make at any moment. It is not a search, though it is stoked by a curiosity or hunger. A hunger to see beautiful things, hear beautiful sounds, feel deeper sensations. To learn, and to be fascinated and surprised on a continual basis." -Rick Rubin
Awareness needs constant refreshing. That’s the point of habits and rituals! I like the idea of nurturing creativity with sustainable rituals. For me that’s a walk or run in nature, movement or stillness, creating as many opportunities as possible to see the sunrise and sunset, or it can be just going to the same old coffee shop. On the one hand, I try to find sustainable rituals. On the other hand, I just want to have fun trying things. Do something new, play, let it go terribly wrong, have fun anyways! Develop the skill of have fun anyways.
Rubin says an artist is good at being amazed or being ready to be amazed. Lutz says remaining in the cloud of unknowing is to remain in wonder. Creativity thrives with a childlike sense of wonder and awe. A rule for creativity is to pay attention to the moments that take your breath away.
“Being human is just enjoying what we enjoy and seeing what we see. We don’t have to convince anyone of anything. You can like what you like.” -Rick Rubin
Knowing and Intuition
Maybe the opposite of unknowing is intuition, our ability to know something without analytical reasoning. Intuition bridges the gap between the conscious and unconscious mind. Sometimes we have to get still to discover what we know. I think committing to silence and stillness for at least a few moments every day is the best way to lean in and listen to what we already know to be true.
When you’re in the cloud of unknowing, remember to check in with your inner knowing, your intuitive sense of direction instead of the external voices around you. For people that don’t feel in touch with this intuitive part of themselves, I would give them this advice from Amanda Doyle: “We can practice learning what our intuition is by running towards anything that feels like half a minute of being alive.”
For me that is actually running- running so fast through the forest I feel like I may trip over my own feet, getting to the top of a hill rep and feeling my heartbeat pounding in my ears and my whole body burning. Swimming in the cold, cold Atlantic ocean and feeling the icy water slip down the neck of my wetsuit like small needles poking me all over. A lovers lips, a dark chocolate chunk cookie with flakes of pink sea salt, sunsets. Sunsets through the windshield as I drive home from work with my favourite album playing so loud I feel it reverberate in my tissues, sunsets from my front porch smelling the lilac tree in the breeze, sunsets as I lay on my bed and my whole room turns yellow. Simply taking a deeep breath in, and letting it all outtt.
These are moments when I stop thinking and doing, and I’m simply being. When I stop controlling my experience, when I’m present with my five senses, when I let my body do what it already knows how to do. Move, breathe, eat, love, be. Moments where I remember oh yeah I’m alive and everything is miraculous. What feels like half a minute of being alive for you? Those are rituals to nurture creativity too! Creativity requires knowing and unknowing. Rituals and awe.
This week at work I’m getting practice sitting in a cloud of unknowing. Literally. I’m diving at a site where there is often zero visibility. Where one light touch of a fin, too strong of a flutter kick, or other small motion causes the silt (small granular material even finer than sand) to become a cloud around us. The cloud is so thick and dark that you can’t see your hand when you hold it out in front of you and you lose all sense of direction. The first few times you experience this, it’s jarring. Then you learn protocols to deal with it.
I breathe slowly and stop moving or ‘finning’- this will only make it worse. I reach for my buddy line and gently pull myself a bit closer to them, inflate my buoyancy compensator device, and slowly rise above the silt if there’s nothing overhead. Depending on what my buddy is doing, sometimes I simply sit at the murky bottom and wait for the path to clear, sometimes we have to keep searching blindly. I used to be fearful in those moments, but now I know that it will pass eventually. Sometimes, in life, that’s not a bad strategy either. Just wait. Just be in the cloud of unknowing.
There are still so many unknowns for what is next on my path but I am on my way to Beautiful British Columbia to pursue my unknown. The only certainty is uncertainty so I’m trying to accept it, make peace with it, maybe even lean into it. Just like scuba diving in a silt-out, stop, breathe, wait. Can you remain calm in the cloud of unknowing?
June Gems:
Reading: A Court of Thorns and Roses (trying something NEW and I like me a little fantasy love story apparently!) Closer Together: Knowing Ourselves, Loving Each Other- interviews with experts in psychology, journaling prompts, ideas to inspire deeper connection, Swell- a story of a young woman searching for adventure inside and out
(Re) Listening: Esther Perel’s podcast, Where Should We Begin, live episodes of couples therapy that make you feel less alone in your relationship, Music: Heal me June
Watching: Masters of the Air, the story of the 100th bomb group during WWII, Tiny Beautiful Things- just heartbreaking and true. That’s life ya kno
Thanks for reading!
Sarah